Please Baby, Please.....

For the last few days, I have just been horny as all hell. Masturbating in the shower isn't helping me. Dustin has told me about one of his fantasies, and it's got me all hot and wet. He wants to rape me, though I don't think we'd take it as far as some people have, mainly because I have experienced non-consensual rape, so even consensual non-consent rape would probably be too much for me. At the same time, the thought of him raping me gets me incredibly turned on. Having him take me and just use and abuse me really gets me going. Knowing that I am always completely safe with him helps, too. Although......the last few times we have had rough sex, there has just been something about him. Maybe it was his growl, or his deep laugh, but something tells me that being raped by him would not be just a walk in the park. And that is something that I really want right now. I want to be pushed to my limits, and then taken over the edge.

I sent him a text last night telling him that I want him to rape me soon. I'm hoping it will be very soon, but I also don't really want to know it's coming. I want the element of surprise to still be involved. But damn, I need to feel his power and strength, and the pain that he will cause me.

Not Sure What to Do...

I have 3 daughters, 2 from a previous marriage, 1 from my current marriage. My middle daughter lives with her dad for many reasons. I'll get to her in a minute. This year was his year to have the girls for Thanksgiving. While I hate not having either of them for the holidays, I'm a fair person and do my best, most of the time, to be fair about my oldest having time with her dad and other sister. When she came home tonight, she sits down on the couch, looks at me and says, "Sometimes, I really hate my dad." So I asked her how her weekend went. She proceeded to tell me that her Thanksgiving sucked. They were going to a friend of her dad's (I'm assuming for dinner), but when the 3 of them got there, the friend and family had already eaten dinner. Just hearing that broke my heart. Then she tells me that he spent almost the entire weekend telling her that she's ruining her life, throwing it away, wasting it, that she needs to get her grades up, and she should move in with him. While I agree with the getting the grades up part, I have serious issues with the rest. This is a smart kid, but gets distracted (bored) easily. Her grades are not the greatest, but she's getting by.  I hate him knocking her down like this. He did it once at parent/teacher conferences when she was in elementary school. He caused such a scene at the school that the teachers were apologizing to me. He made her cry, and I think he did it on purpose. I can't say I understand his motives. I would like to say he doesn't hurt her feelings intentionally, but after being married to the man for 10 years, I can't. I don't appreciate him always lecturing her about coming to live with him either. I know she gets irritated being here, but that's part of life. Hell, I have my moments where I'm irritated here and want to go somewhere else, but this is home. I know it's hard enough for him to support one of the girls living with him because he doesn't have a job, how would he support both of them?! I was also informed tonight that he may be moving out of state once he gets his degree so that he can get a good job. Why he'd have to leave is beyond me, but whatever. I say good riddance. Dustin is at the point now where he just wants to go to court and become her legal guardian. I have no problem with that because I think Dustin is a better parent to her than her dad is, but I don't think I could really do that to her. I think that would make her feel like she has to choose between us and him, and I never want any of my kids put in that position. I know that my girls are smart, and they will figure things out for themselves as they grow older. I don't see the need to put any added pressure on them in that light. I just don't know what to say or do to make her feel better. To make her feel like she isn't worthless and that she's loved very much. She's a teenager for chrissakes, she's got enough going on her life right now she doesn't need shit like this coming from her dad. Her own little world is a soap opera at school. Home should be a refuge from the drama. So I guess I'm trying to decide if I let her go live with him, knowing it's going to be complete hell for her but let her find that out on her own, or if I talk to her and try to talk her out of going there and staying with us. This is the part of being a parent that sucks!

My middle daughter doesn't live with me because she's just like her dad. She thrives on drama, to the point that she almost ruined my life. I don't want to get into all the details, but I almost went to jail because of her a couple of years ago. After that, Dustin won't allow her to live here, and I don't blame him. I love her with all my heart, but she and I fight all the time. At least we used to. Last night I was reminded of all of this as she was sending me text messages trying to start a fight with me. My efforts with her aren't good enough for her. I will admit that I haven't tried very hard to spend time with her. It's been difficult for me. When I talk to her on the phone, I don't know what to say to her, or how to act. I always feel like I have to be walking on egg-shells around her, and I hate that feeling. I should probably try harder to spend time with her, but part of me feels like it's not worth the headache involved. Anyways, that was the end of my Thanksgiving weekend. Fun, fun.

I have issues

If you've read my blog at all, you know that Dustin and I have been trying new things in bed. While we have both been enjoying them very much, last night got emotional for me, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I haven't had much time away from work to unwind and relax, or maybe there was a nerve that was hit last night that I'm trying to get over. I have been raped in the past by someone I cared a great deal about. It wasn't brutal or anything traumatic like that, but it wasn't something that was easy for me to deal with for a long time. It was a situation where we were having sex, I wasn't into it and it started to hurt, so I asked him to stop. He didn't. He kept going while I was crying, and then didn't seem to even care about how he had just hurt me. I was also only 18 at the time, and didn't want to upset him, so I just kept my mouth shut and faked it for the next 10 years.

Now I'm in a relationship with a man that truly loves me with all his heart and will do anything to make me happy and make me feel good. Our sex life has never been anywhere close to boring, and has always been quite incredible. We like to experiment and try new things. New is always exciting and adds a different element to things. I truly love trying new things with Dustin. I feel safe with him and I know that he would never intentionally hurt me emotionally.

I've been putting in a lot of hours at work lately, so I'm completely drained. Dustin and I haven't been talking as much. I know I have a lot to do with it. I know I've been sounding bitchy when I do talk to him. So maybe getting rough last night wasn't the best idea. Don't get me wrong, it still felt incredible, but my mind wasn't completely there.

I have come to really enjoy being called his dirty little whore, or slut, or whatever demeaning name he can come up with in the moment. I enjoy the spankings, the slaps, the fingernails dragging along my skin. I never thought I would come to enjoy this kind of pain like I have, but last night, I didn't enjoy it as much as usual. I was told not to cum, so I held it in. Usually when I do that, my orgasm is even more explosive, and I can cum on demand. Last night, after holding it in, it took forever for me to get to the point of being able to cum again. I'm hoping this is all just because I'm tired as hell.

I'm also a highly emotional person, and have been feeling a bit down lately. I've been trying to shake this feeling, but don't know how. I've also been hiding it, and haven't talked to anyone about it. I'm hoping it goes away soon. I guess blogging will help with all of this, at least I hope it does.

About Last Night.....

So we have been talking with a couple of ladies on Twitter, and they asked for a sexy picture of Dustin. We talked about doing it for a couple of days, but nothing ever came of it. I'm sure the ladies started to think we were teasing. Yesterday, as he was getting ready for work, Dustin took this picture, and posted it to Twitter, as well as sent it to me in a text message.

First off, I absolutely LOVE seeing my husband like this. He had worked very hard to lose weight, and tone out. I know he doesn't feel completely comfortable with how he looks right now, and I understand that, but damn do I love looking at him.

After seeing this picture, we both still had to go to work. Thank Xenu it was a short day for me, because my mind was elsewhere. I decided I was going to get the ball rolling while I was still at work. I sent him this text message: "I am going down on you tonight. I need to feel your cock in my throat." I know it caught him completely off-guard, and that was the point. I wore my thigh-high socks, partially because it was so cold out, mostly because I know how much he loves them; skinny jeans, and my high heel boots. He was definitely drooling a little when I walked in the door after work.


I needed to get something to eat before we did anything, and I changed clothes so he could fully enjoy my tall socks. He kept rubbing on my feet and legs to feel the socks. I love it when he touches me, but especially when he is just rubbing me all over without even thinking about it. Finally, I asked him to come to bed with me. He looked a little disappointed, and said, "But I thought you were going to go down on me?"
I explained that I was cold, and needed to cover up, but hell yes, I was still going down on him. I've been craving his cock for days, and was going to do everything I could to make it and him happy.

Touching him all over, seeing him squirm and moan, letting my fingers and tongue roam gets me hot. I love to just lick his cock for a little bit before I swallow it. I like teasing him that way because we both know that I am going to swallow his cock, and either get him very close to cumming, or make him explode with my lips, tongue and throat. This time, I just got him extremely hard. Hearing him tell me that I suck cock so well got me so wet, I asked him to eat me, and then I was going to ride him.

He doesn't go down on me very often, and I'm not entirely sure why, he's very good at it, and I always enjoy it. Last night was a special case. The way he uses his tongue and lips, well his entire mouth he had me cumming within a couple minutes. I needed to get up to grab a condom, and as I did so, he took charge. He wrapped his arm around my neck, and forced my hand down to play with myself. He told me to make myself cum, because that could be the only time I do all night. He was not going to let me cum unless he said it was okay. This is something new for us, but it has had a very powerful impact in my orgasms. Obviously, you can't completely control your bodies reaction to something, but not being able to actually let yourself explode when that is all your body wants, depriving yourself of ultimate satisfaction, and knowing that he's getting off on it....unless you've done it, I can't begin to tell you how intense an orgasm is when you're finally allowed to have it.

Once I had gotten myself off, I rolled over and began to suck his cock again, to make sure he was nice and hard. I then rolled the condom on, and stroked him for a little while with it on. By that point, I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to have him inside me. I mounted him, and started bucking my hips. It didn't take long for me to be dripping wet, I asked permission, and he allowed me to cum. He told me I needed to ride him until he came, no exceptions, or I would be punished. If I came without permission, I would be punished. I am a rebel at heart, and hearing him say these things made me want to disobey to see what kind of punishment I would get. I came up too high at one point, and his cock came out for a couple seconds. It was greeted with an evil laugh, and another warning of punishment if it came out again. He allowed me to cum a couple more times, and then my legs began to get numb. I kept trying to ride, but I was also very curious as to what the punishment would be if I stopped.

I soon found out. He grabbed me by the hair, threw me down on the bed on my stomach, wrapped his arm around my neck again, and began pounding his cock inside me, telling me he didn't like his slave disobeying him. I was about to cum the second he started, but he told me I wasn't allowed to cum yet, I had been a bad girl. That made it that much harder to keep it in. I love being the bad girl, I always have. I may look sweet and innocent, but I'm not. I could feel his cock getting ever harder inside me, and I knew he was about to cum. That was when he told me I could cum. I pushed back into him with all my might, and we both came together. I collapsed on the bed feeling wonderful, and not really able to move too much. Good thing it was a little cold out, because I got a chill and was able to get up and pull the covers over me.

And this all began with one little picture!

Completely off Topic

This one is pretty much for me, just to get this off my chest and drop it. I had kind of a shitty day at work today. I woke up in foul mood, the kind of mood where I was liable to just snap at someone for no good reason. When I got to work this morning, I told my co-worker as much, and said that I just needed to stay away from people, customers in particular, and just keep my mouth shut. She said it was fine, but would like to attempt to go home early because she wasn't feeling well. I told her that was no problem, she could leave by 5. (I work retail at the mall, and Sundays are usually pretty busy, so leaving an hour before we close is more than fair.) This is probably where I should mention that we had 2 other girls working today, 1 hates me and is always threatening to call corporate on me, and the other is brand new, today being her second day on the job.

As the day progresses, J complains of feeling worse and worse and just really wants to go home. I tell her as long as she can cover lunches, she can go after that. I asked her what time Little Bitch had planned on leaving. J stated that LB would stay till close to make sure we were okay. Fine, no big deal.

I come back from lunch, and the shit hits the fan. J needs to go now, LB is staying till close, no wait, she's staying till she finishes her project, fuck it, she doesn't even know when she's leaving. The new girl goes to lunch, and when she comes back, J tells me she's leaving, and LB is leaving with her. Fine, whatever. Not cool for the new girl to be thrown into the job like this, but whatever.

About an hour later, my boss calls to find out what I did to piss everyone off. Excuse me, what?! I let 2 people go home 2-3 hours early each, and they're pissed at me? How in the fuck? What the hell? I mean really. Oh, and LB is threatening to call corporate and complain about me. Please do. What is corporate going to say about me letting you go early? Even though you technically just walked out?!

The thing that upsets me the most about all this is that J claims to be my friend, but yet she turns around and talks shit about me to my boss. I have to go in to work and be fake just to keep my job, and to attempt to keep the peace. I know that all I can really do is just go in and do my job, and that is what I intend to do tomorrow. I'll be nice to LB when she comes in for her shift, like I always am. I'm just hoping that these games end soon, or that one of these girls finds something else.

I just had to get that off my chest. Feeling a little better about it now.

Start at the Beginning

I guess I'll start this blog where I really should, the beginning. I have had my fair share of partners, mostly men, but I can't say that they were all good. I had started to become an expert at faking it. When you have to fake it all the time, you just don't want to have sex with anyone. Masturbating was my only real option.

My first husband wanted head all the time, and I hated it. I also hated him going down on me. Frankly, I came to hate everything sexual with my first husband, and that was a large part of why we got divorced.

Then I made a new friend. We really started out as just friends, but it quickly became sexual. He only ever asked me 1 thing, to let go, and enjoy it. I had my first really powerful orgasms with him. Mind blowing, earth shattering, all you can do is fall asleep afterward orgasms. I had no idea what I had been missing out on for all those years! But our time together had to come to an end, it was time to come back to America.

I dated 2 men after my divorce. The first, G, just wanted to be fuck buddies. I was fine with that, but he was ready to try some things that I wasn't into or ready to try yet. I Also wasn't as comfortable with him to really want to try peeing on each other or anal. We did try anal at one point, but didn't use any kind of lube, and I just didn't enjoy it at all. Then there was C. This man couldn't cum during sex, ever. He had staying power, he could go all night, but he just couldn't cum. I believe he came when I sucked his dick, but that's the closest I ever got to his cum. It was a let-down. I lost any sexual self confidence I had gained, and started to think there was something wrong with me. Again, I became completely disinterested in sex. That was when I knew it was time for me to move on. It took a little while, but I finally met Dustin. He lived in another state, so it was a lot of talking on the phone, emailing, etc. From the very first time I saw pictures of him, I wanted him. He is one of the sexiest men I have ever met. After talking for a month and a half, he finally came out for a visit.

He had told me about how he liked the skirt and tall boots look, so I made sure that was what I had on when I picked him up at the airport. Seeing him in person for the first time was better than pictures, and I was immediately wet, but still nervous as hell. When we were almost back to my apartment, he finally started to put his hand up my skirt, just for a quick feel. When we got home, it was a quick bathroom break, and then he attacked me. Kissing me, pulling my skirt up and shoving his hand into my panties. I was dripping with all the anticipation and couldn't wait for him to get inside me. I told him as much, and he was more than happy to oblige. It didn't take either of us long to cum, we had worked each other into a frenzy with all our phone sex and tease over the last month, but it was a wonderful feeling to have an orgasm with a man again. 2 hours later, after not being able to keep our hands to ourselves, we had to have each other again.

The entire weekend was filled with sex, as has our entire relationship. I'll go into more details with my next entry.

Welcome

I'm new to this, so please bear with me as I figure all of this blogging stuff out. I decided to start this blog on the suggestion of a few friends on Twitter. I figured, what the hell. You can only share so much there in 140 characters or less.

 I will talk about sex a lot here, so if that offends you, you should stop reading immediately. I'm learning to share and be more open with my sex life, and in turn, it has made for a much more enjoyable time in the bedroom. Don't get me wrong, there was nothing wrong with it to begin with.

I welcome any questions and comments, and thank you for reading and coming along with me.