I have issues

If you've read my blog at all, you know that Dustin and I have been trying new things in bed. While we have both been enjoying them very much, last night got emotional for me, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I haven't had much time away from work to unwind and relax, or maybe there was a nerve that was hit last night that I'm trying to get over. I have been raped in the past by someone I cared a great deal about. It wasn't brutal or anything traumatic like that, but it wasn't something that was easy for me to deal with for a long time. It was a situation where we were having sex, I wasn't into it and it started to hurt, so I asked him to stop. He didn't. He kept going while I was crying, and then didn't seem to even care about how he had just hurt me. I was also only 18 at the time, and didn't want to upset him, so I just kept my mouth shut and faked it for the next 10 years.

Now I'm in a relationship with a man that truly loves me with all his heart and will do anything to make me happy and make me feel good. Our sex life has never been anywhere close to boring, and has always been quite incredible. We like to experiment and try new things. New is always exciting and adds a different element to things. I truly love trying new things with Dustin. I feel safe with him and I know that he would never intentionally hurt me emotionally.

I've been putting in a lot of hours at work lately, so I'm completely drained. Dustin and I haven't been talking as much. I know I have a lot to do with it. I know I've been sounding bitchy when I do talk to him. So maybe getting rough last night wasn't the best idea. Don't get me wrong, it still felt incredible, but my mind wasn't completely there.

I have come to really enjoy being called his dirty little whore, or slut, or whatever demeaning name he can come up with in the moment. I enjoy the spankings, the slaps, the fingernails dragging along my skin. I never thought I would come to enjoy this kind of pain like I have, but last night, I didn't enjoy it as much as usual. I was told not to cum, so I held it in. Usually when I do that, my orgasm is even more explosive, and I can cum on demand. Last night, after holding it in, it took forever for me to get to the point of being able to cum again. I'm hoping this is all just because I'm tired as hell.

I'm also a highly emotional person, and have been feeling a bit down lately. I've been trying to shake this feeling, but don't know how. I've also been hiding it, and haven't talked to anyone about it. I'm hoping it goes away soon. I guess blogging will help with all of this, at least I hope it does.