I'm an Asshole

I think the title of this post really explains it all. For anyone that has been reading my blog for any amount of time, you have probably noticed that there haven't been an abundance of posts lately. To be honest, real life has gotten in the way, and I don't seem to have much material to work with. I guess it started when Dustin posted this blog entry. It upset me a lot. So, I began to go out of my way to start things, and come on to him. I started a new job, so I'm working days now and have to get up early in the morning. I have to force myself to stay up until he gets home from work most nights just so I can see him, let alone have sex with him. I pointed out to him, that while I understand he was just voicing his needs, I have some needs too. I go to bed alone every night. There may be 1 night every couple of months or so where we go to bed at the same time. I absolutely hate it. I have always known that he's a night owl, and it's fine, but I need my husband to come lay in bed and cuddle with me every now and then, not go to sleep, just fucking lay with me. And I don't need it all the time, once a week, once a month, something would be nice. I've told him this time and time again in the 4 years we've been married, and his response is always that he's not tired when I go to bed. So, I need to learn how to get over it.
I miss holding hands. I miss him putting his arms around me just because he wants to. I just miss how things used to be, when we would both attack each other the second we were alone together. I miss making out with him, hell, I miss getting kisses (other than the obligatory peck on the lips when he leaves for work, and I don't even get that all the time) on a regular basis, not just when one of us is in the mood.
The other day, while I was getting ready for work, I walked over and kissed him while I thought he was asleep. He started rubbing on me, so I decided to give him a blow job. Now, don't get me wrong, I love giving my husband blow jobs. I know how much he enjoys it, too. He was playing with me a little while I was giving him head, but I was doing this mostly for him. I've also been wearing leggings almost every day this week because I know how much he enjoys them, as well. We used our last condom last week, and haven't bought more, so we can't have vaginal sex right now, so wearing the leggings has been kind of dumb on my part. Granted, there are plenty of other things we could do besides that, but I found out yesterday that I have to say what I want to do. Sigh.
Last night, he came to bed and started playing with me, and it was amazing. Waking up to the start of an orgasm is always good. Anyways, when I was done, I thought we were done. Again, I'm an asshole. I didn't even attempt to finish him off, or ask about it until he opened the toy drawer and started rummaging through it. I told him then that I would, that I had no problem with it, I just didn't think about it, but all I got was "No, it's fine." I even attempted to be aggressive about it, something he's said he wants me to do, and still nothing. As I'm writing this I'm practically in tears because I didn't give him what he wanted. Why is that? Why am I so upset about not giving him what he wanted one time? Am I just an asshole, or am I really that stupid? I'm starting to feel like I'm not good enough for him, no matter what I do, and I don't know how to fix that.